Tdsnapshots

It’s a Friday afternoon in the middle of March. The Brooklyn sky blue with only a few clouds in sight. The temperature outside a near 70 degrees. A day taken straight out of early summer. As I sit on a round marble table in the ‘backyard’ of a Williamsburg coffee shop, I feel my being wanting to be everywhere else except present. I daydream of sandy beaches and blue oceans along the coast of the Atlantic. Charleston is a city that occasionally crosses my mind and LA seems to deme itself charming. Abroad in Salzburg, London, or Sydney are all endearing options. I want to be anywhere, but here. In what was once the place I couldn’t live without. A city that I dreamed and pleaded with God to be in for as long as I can remember. A city that has given so much and taken away just as much.

I think about leaving, and I wonder if I’ll miss walking TriBeCa while the sun sets. Where cobble stone roads are found and exclusive restaurants are filled with people who seem content with life while drinking a glass of wine that’s overpriced. I wonder if I’ll miss the calming nature of Central Park in the summer time where picnics are a must and children’s laughter can be heard around every corner. Or will the subway occasionally cross my mind as a mode of transportation I wish I had when I don’t feel like driving in the suburbs.

I fear if I leave now, I’ll miss out. But if I don’t leave now, where else would I miss out. I go back in forth in my brain. One side taking a punch line at the other, “Why would you leave, what if it doesn’t workout and you realize you messed up big time.” While the other side simply states, “You can always come back if things don’t work out. What do you have now that’s stopping you?”

Both sides of my brain making obvious and agreeable points. Sometimes I wish life was black and white. And before you think it, I don’t care If that’s not fun. I’d rather know how my life is going to play out instead of having to keep turning the same corner feeling like I have no sense of direction.

I guess what I am contemplating internally is, ‘How do you know when one phase of your life has ended and in order for the next phase to start, you have to give up what you have now?’ That, that’s what I’m struggling with. It’s an internal battle that drains all emotion out of you. As much as you try to hid it and push the thought further back in your brain, it always creeps around again. Begging you to stop procrastinating and just figure it out. Even if you don’t know what ‘it’ is.

In the coming months I hope things become clearer. I keep hoping I will fall back in love with New York again, but I’m starting to wonder if once you fall out of love with something or someone, you’ll never love it or them as much as you once did. Nothing will be the same. Distractions cloud your judgment. A judgement so highly needed, but no where to be found. And once what you needed the most, simply becomes the thing you have to let go of.