“How to know if you don’t love New York anymore?”

This question makes me sick to my stomach. If this pandemic has done anything well for me, it’s the reality check that is my life and what I was prioritizing before it inhabited the earth.

I find myself daydreaming of open roads, lush fields of green, and more than anything the roar of the ocean as the waves crash against the white sandy beach. I crave anything, but what I have now. I used to love New York City. I mean I’ve dreamed of living here for so long that moving just seems like such an insane idea. But I’m tired though. I’m tired of walking everywhere, I’m tired of constantly having to be on alert, I’m tired of not being able to have alone time by myself that doesn’t include dozens of other people at the same park.

Recently, I found myself googling, “How to know if you don’t love New York anymore?” After reading through personal stories of others once living in New York City and hearing when they knew it was time to leave, I asked myself, “Am I ready to leave New York City as well? To be honest my answer is “I don’t know.” I don’t know if I would miss it. I’m sure after some time I would, but in the beginning I don’t think I would.

I just feel like I need a break. I just need to hit the reset button. One of the things I loved about New York when I first moved here was the illusion that adventure was around every corner. Just like my body needs air to breathe, so my body needs adventure to feel alive and create excitement. I love the thrill of exploring new places. I love finding the ‘Wonder’ in everywhere I go. And I almost wonder, if my ‘Wonder’ for the City of New York is slowing fading.

When I first moved to the city I was sitting on a park bench with a few friends in Washington Square Park eating Murray’s bagels as the laughter of children rang throughout the square testing their parents patience running through the fountain. A youtube enthusiast came up to us with a camera man and asked if we’d answer a question for his channel. We said “sure” out of politeness and well, the small chance that fandom could arise from it. He went on and asked each of us, “What is one thing that you hate about New York?” I kid you not it was such a hard question to answer. I mean lets remember I was brand new to the city. I saw everything as if it was just apart of the ‘New York’ experience. Both of my friends agreed on the subway being a mess and people not being polite. When the camera pointed at me, what came out of my mouth was, “Nothing. I love everything about this city.” The you-tuber curled his lips and lifted his eyebrows in dismay and gave me a strange look to go along with it that screamed, “whatever you say…”.

Fast forward a year after that and I find myself in the live studio audience taping for The Late Night show with Jimmy Fallon. Whenever there was a break in filming he interacted with the audience members. In one instance he walked over to a girl in her early 20’s high on the ‘New York’ experience as she just moved to the city 2 months before. Jimmy proceeded to ask her what she hated most about New York and her reply was the same as mine when the you-tubers approached me. He took a moment to laugh and replied back, “Oh right, I forgot you’re new here. Give it a few more months and I’m sure your New York hate-list will be full.”

I sat back in my chair and laughed because it’s so freaking true. You get caught in this day dream of what New York is supposed to be and you perceive it as just that. Your first few months here are great. That crazy person on the same subway car as you is ‘just apart of the experience.’ Your train being late due to train traffic for the third time during your commute that week is ‘just apart of the experience.’ The awful and I truly mean awful smell of urine (dog or human form) is again, ‘just apart of the experience.’

If I had to place a bet on it, that girl in the audience that day has a laundry list of things she hates about New York City. I know I do and I never thought I would. I almost wonder if the reality of our lives becomes so mundane that we forget where we are living and why. Today I am stuck between: Do I truly want to leave New York, or am I just hating another aspect of it? That aspect being that I am surrounded by concrete and not natures beauty.

As I go throughout my week I remind myself of where I am. I think often how I would feel about leaving the city for good and honestly, that’s when I know I still love New York. Because even if I left there’s still a part of me that will always love this city.

x Tay